Big Load

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Intimacy and sexuality

Making love? or just fucking?

The lines tend to blur I've found. In fact, I've found them blur during the course of action. It's interesting, looking back at the sex from the day before, analyzing how I acted, how R acted, how I felt.

Take last night. I had every intention of just fucking. We took a shower, fooled around, touched each other all over, got in the mood. Once we started having actual sex, it started out more selfish in a way, best I can tell. Then it turned more intimate, more about how we both felt, then it ended when I could no longer maintain my erection (22 with ED. What a ripoff.).

R and I have worked it out, so I didn't feel bad about not being able to keep it up. We went on with more of a mutual masturbation thing that, for me at least, started out more intimate, and ended more as a selfish aim for pleasure.

Because of our differing schedules, R and I are rarely on the exact same page when it comes to our sexual moods and appetites. When I get up in the day, she's already been up for awhile. She's generally more aroused than I am, and it takes me awhile to want to be physical. Then, when I'm ready for bed, I'm very horny, and she's usually asleep. I think we do a really good job of staying romantic and intimate, but it'll be interesting to see how things progress when I have a job in the daytime and a libido that more closely resembles hers. Perhaps the difference between lovemaking and fucking will be more apparent, or maybe the lines will blur even more. Perhaps there is no pure lovemaking, due to our instinctual desire to eventually have an orgasm.

Somehow I don't think it works the other way around though. Are all acts of sex in some way lovemaking? Or are they all just fucking at the core, sometimes with the love and sensitivity attached?

A guy at work the other night asked me to set him up, half-jokingly, I think. When I mentioned he had a wife, he said, "Why does everyone think that just because I have a wife that I'm not interested in having sex with other people?" and he went on to explain that monogamy is not natural.

So then I wonder, what part of the sex is the cheating and betrayal? Is it the possibility that you might have some feeling of love for a second person the cheating part? or is it the simple fucking that is the betrayal?

That opens up a whole new can of worms though, since you can have a feeling of love for many people, and just not show it sexually, though you may want to.

Then the act of mere fucking without emotion means there has to be at least some physical attraction, right? If not, why not just just masturbate? If you're going to cheat, would it be better to cheat with someone you like/love or hate?

I'm totally rambling now. Relationships are tricky, because people are tricky. They're very rewarding though. At least, I think so.

Positions! Positions! Positions!

I love this book.












The positions are absolutely ridiculous sometimes, but other times, they're quite nice. Unfortunately, a good portion of the positions are for girl-girl/boy-boy couples, which I am a part of neither. So some of the days in the calendar are simply not going to happen.

Unless R let's me watch her and someone else...

She's looking at this like it's never going to happen. Well, one can dream I suppose. *sigh*

Boobie Poetry

Sonnet:
Breasts are the very best thing
They take my breath away
Peaking through the clouds like a sunshine ray
Seeing them makes me sing.
Boobs, sure, save the world they could
I'd take them over Warcraft raids
even if they gave me AIDS.
Without fail, they give me wood.
Chesticles are totally win
I want to suck them with my lips
and make sure I harden the tips
Then stroke and tickle the skin.
Rachel I adore your bewbies
probably more than rubies.

Haiku:

Breasts, the greatest things
I'd play with them forever
They are super fun.

Limericks:

There once were some boobies on Rachel's
with really quite perfect sized nipples
I gazed at them long
which perked up my dong
This line might rhyme with word: ripples.

Your breasts are rolling like mountains
Yet don't spray forth milk like those fountains
That's kinda gross
but not quite morose
Fuck, dammit, the nonsense rhyme: Britons.

Levitra vs. Viagra

For starters, they both get the job done. You'll have the greatest boner you've ever had in your life when you take either one. If you are a man. With a penis.

Now, for me, with my small frame and relatively large penis (large for my overall size, and above average also.) I don't need a large dose of either. I would cut up the samples in half and get the same results. I don't know why, but I have erectile dysfunction. I'm 22, and yes, it sucks. However, it is easy to explain away in a hilarious and backhanded way:

"Well, see, my penis is bigger than yours, and there isn't enough blood in my body to fill it up all the way."

But, you know, it's useless if you can't... you know, use it.

So about two years ago I got some Viagra samples. 10 mg, which I ended up cutting in half. I remember K saying that I was actually TOO hard for her, and sex was uncomfortable if we had it too often (which for her was more than once a week.).

Immediately after having an orgasm with the Viagra, I would get a headache and get too dizzy to stand up. It would last about an hour or so I think, if I remember right.

I'd be spent for the day with the Viagra. One good fuck and I was done. I mean, it WAS good, and I felt manly and awesome, and then I'd sometimes prematurely ejaculate and ruin it all. Damn the luck. It happens.

I have no idea how much a prescription for Viagra costs.

So, the Levitra is interesting. Doesn't kick in as fast as the Viagra, that I've been able to tell, but it lasts for two days. Two days of great boners. Two days of climaxing twice a day. Inside my girlfriend.

15 dollars a dose. Fifteen fucking dollars for a sex pill. Dayum.

It gives me headaches too, but usually long after the sex and only if I'm dehydrated.

Also, it gives me boners that are so hard they hurt. Usually only if it's the second boner within an hour after an orgasm, though, so it's not too bad. But it'll kill the mood. The first or second time I tried it, R was in the mood a little while after we had had sex, and so we're touching, and she's rubbing my johnson and it felt great, but the base of my dork was so painful that I had to stop her. That was the most disappointing thing I've done in a long time.

I'd like to take a moment here in conclusion (Levitra is better performance, but a terrible price) to say that I had the best sex of my short life so far with R the other night after taking a Levitra. We went forever, and it was hot and muggy and dirty and sweaty and ravenous and furious. We did it on a leather couch, which ended up possibly ruined by the moisture. We fucked and hugged and made love and fucked some more and ended up so insanely lost in eachother that we collapsed when it was over and could barely stand to get in the shower to wash off later. Just thinking about that night makes me want to go wake her up and slip up inside of her right now.

But that's kinda creepy now that I think about it.

Blow Jobs

I'd like to write about Blow Jobs right now. I'd like to inform you of the joys of dick sucking. Also, dick licking, which is not to be confused with javelin shining or "lubing the man-piston" which refers to a hand job.

No, today the topic is mouth on cock contact. For a few reasons, some of which I don't fully understand, oral sex is one of my favorite things. There is just something erotic about it that turns me on more than most anything else. I enjoy watching and experiencing a good blow job.

The part of my psyche I understand best, is why I enjoy receiving a blow job. It's the gift factor. Many people get some satisfaction from giving gifts, and many people enjoy receiving them. So a blow job, to me, is a fanfuckingtastic gift. I never expect it, I'm half afraid to ask for one most of the time, and it sometimes makes me anxious, but once I get over that, and I just relax and let it happen, it's amazing.

Then part of me, mostly when seeing it, also feels this foreign dominance thing that I don't fully understand. Sometimes, I find it arousing to see a rough choking blow job in a "take it!" kind of way, though at the same time, it kind of disgusts me.

I don't want to delve too much into the psychology of it all, but I want to illustrate that I'm conflicted on the oral fun times because of my upbringing.

See, I grew up Mormon, taught to give give give and always be modest. Taught to practically worship a woman and always be chivalrous, and to never let them hold rank in the church... er... nevermind.

So, for whatever reason, growing up, the idea of a woman enjoying a penis in her mouth was quite horrifying. I grew up thinking that women only did it because guys expected it and got nothing out of it whatsoever. Naturally, the thought of asking for it made me feel sick about my desires.

Perhaps that's part of the appeal of watching porn with lots of oral sex in it. Part of me finds it to be unacceptable, and therefore alluring. The rebellious nature of the act entices me. Moving on...

So, my girlfriend, R, gives great head. The best, by far. My first blow was quite disappointing (hey, the woman thought she was Jesus and therefore too good to "bow down" to me and suck my dick. No surprise that she didn't put effort into it when I got up the courage to ask.) My second was also disappointing when K told me that she might throw up because of the taste (this also was after a long trying time of getting my courage up.)

L wasn't bad at it though. She and I had discussed it for a long time and she told me she loved to do it and really wanted to give me a good experience. I ended up so nervous that I couldn't come, but she really didn't do a bad job, and she put a lot of effort into it, which I appreciated. With practice, she got better and I got more comfortable with it. Though sometimes it would hurt, whatever she was doing. I dunno if it was just dry mouth or teeth or what. Anyway...

The first time R gave me a blow job, I didn't last long. It was quite great. We got a rhythm going, and I was thrusting my hips just a little bit, wave after wave of pleasure just washing over me. I expected her to just move away when I was going to jizz, and work the hand and avoid the splooge, but she didn't. I gave the warning, but she stayed put, and actually, I was so surprised at this, that I didn't hardly feel the orgasm. I just looked amazed, staring at her hair, thinking, "NO. FUCKING. WAY."

I'm currently working on enjoying the blow job a bit more, and asking for it when I want it. If I overcome these little psychological blocks, perhaps I can gain some insight about myself and my likes and dislikes.

Also, got my dingy licked by an old high school buddy. I'll call him E. E and I got drunk one night and I let him suck me off. He had asked when we were sober, and I decided I would let him before we started drinking. (The drinking and mild curiosity were actually exclusive to one another, believe it or not.)

Beard stubble is not appealing to the penis skin. Couldn't climax either, because I wasn't really attracted to him. Poor guy.

New Girlfriend, New Sex

I once found that I had nothing more to say on this blog that was worthwhile, but then the other night at work I got the idea to start writing more on the subject since I started dating a girl that is hornier than I am.

I don't have too much to say at this particular moment other than I have rekindled my complete adoration of boobs. I can sit and play with R's breasts for hours if she'd let me and she generally likes it, I believe. So perfectly soft and squishy and bouncy and firm and all of the above great things I could possibly say about them.

She has a very active libido though. Much more than my own. With L, it was once a week (she wanted more, but I wasn't in the mood), with K it was maybe 2 or 3 times a week (that she complained was too much). Now, with R, I WANT to be horny more. It's the strangest feeling, being near someone totally open and willing and desiring of sex and not really wanting anything to do with it right then. I guess that's kind of strange for a guy to feel, but it's true. Sometimes I don't want sex.

Doesn't mean we don't have lots though. Had two encounters yesterday after four or five days of inopportune settings and two times the last day we fucked. I ought to get more condoms. Anyway, yes, sex good, want more, wish I wanted more than I do.

I told her that I was thinking of updating this blog more so she created her own blog. Check it out to see the other half.

supersexygirltime.blogspot.com

Next post, probably something like a comparison between Levitra and Viagra.